Some days are easier than others.

I think that's true for everything, really.  But it seems like overall, some days I'm okay with my disorder and I'm willing to work to overcome it, and some days, I just want to crawl in a hole, and hide.  Today is one of those hole days.  Hah.  :-)

Here's a little... okay, a lot TMI, but it is necessary to attempt to explain what and how I feel.

I am average approximately 90 days between periods.  Normal women have a cycle every 28 - 31 days.  In order to even get a period, I'm taking progesterone tablets to put the hormones in my body to force a bleed.  While on the progesterone, I feel great.  Full of energy, happy, etc.  But the minute the progesterone is over and my period starts, it's the complete opposite.  Add into the mix that I'm bleeding like someone stabbed me, and it becomes quite uncomfortable.  I feel like I spend more time in the bathroom than I do at my desk or being productive at home.  AND - cramps from hell.  Oh my gosh, horrible pain!  It ends up with me sleeping with a heating pad as well as snuggling with one while trying to work.  

Today, I woke up already feeling kind of down.  It's a hard feeling when it seems like everyone around you has children, gets pregnant without even trying, etc. I've (NO LIE!) seen 6 pregnancy announcements in the last 7 days.  That's a lot.  And then A finally got to talk to his son last night, which always brings it's own set of emotions, but I know how much A loves being a dad and wants so desperately to be in his son's life.  And the conversation always goes something like this... "All I've ever wanted in this life is to be a dad."  And my mind goes something like this... "Let him go, while you still can.  He has a son.  You may not be able to give him a child.  Let him go be with his son."  And the cycle continues.  Every single time.  It's hard.  

But then somewhere I have to realize that I *just* went to the endocrinologist on Monday, and things aren't going to happen overnight.  My PCOS isn't going to just magically disappear, no matter how much I hope & pray it does.  So I bury myself in work, in possible job promotions, in studying for my CPA exam, in taking on everything I can possibly take on, in trying to do everything I can for everyone. Except for myself.  

Welcome to my life.

A promise...

Things have felt a little dark in my world lately.  The overwhelming stress of the CPA exam, the uncertainty of the future, a bit of financial struggles, the added weight gain (physically) and just feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders has really taken a toll on my mental state.  

I feel defeated.  

I don't know how to shake these feelings, because it seems like nothing changes, no matter what I do.  I can only handle so much, and I feel like I'm going to break.

So, this morning, I was thinking, as I so often do.  

The only person who can change my feelings/viewpoints/moods is me.  ME.  (As if I need something else to handle... hah.)

I think I'm going to schedule an appointment with a counselor.  I found one online that accepts my insurance, she's close to my house, and she has longer hours so I can go after work.  

I'm going to create a study schedule for the CPA exam.  I work better when I have a plan, and a schedule, and the schedule is something I can control & dictate.

I can't change the financial situation quickly, but I can keep plugging along, doing what I've been doing, and trying to make positive changes.  I'm going to start using Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace plan, and go from there.  Baby steps.

I'm going to do the Lean Body for Her Challenge.  While the actual challenge is over, I'm going to do the workouts and see what I can do in the next 12 weeks.

I have to take control.  I can't keep feeling like this.  I'm seriously about to lose my mind.

I'm struggling...

I {always} try to be happy for my friends when pregnancy announcements come out.  It seems like they are happening more & more frequently.  I've watched friends have baby #1, #2, and #3.  I've been supportive.  I read & comment on baby photos, pictures of friends with their kids, etc.  But today, I'm just disappointed.

I've read everything I can read.  I know that it's in God's time, if at all.  But quite frankly, I'm getting irritated & MAD at my situation.  I just don't understand.  I can't wrap my brain around it.  I sit back and am genuinely happy for my friends, but {WHEN THE HELL IS IT GOING TO BE MY TURN?}

Today, I'm angry.

Hope & Faith

The struggle with PCOS sucks.  I won't lie.  But, sometimes you read or see things that give you a bit of hope.  I follow several groups on Facebook that deal with the struggles of PCOS, and women often post stuff that resonates with them.

Today, someone posted this...

"Infertility is NOT hard for God."

Genesis 18:14:  "Is anything too hard for the LORD? I will return about this time next year, and Sarah will have a son."

Ephesians 3:20:  "Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think."

Jeremiah 32:27:  "Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think."

I'm continually amazed at how God's Word brings comfort in trying times.

Some days...

Ever have one of those days when it feels like the world is out to get you?  Or maybe not out to get you, but out to conspire against you?  Where it seems like every time you turn around, you are getting more bad news, more obstacles to jump over?  

Nothing life altering, but kind of sick of the disappointment.  When there are things that *could* make your life much easier, but then they just continue to get pushed off, pushed back, etc., it makes you kind of irritated.

Alex & I are learning to communicate in the trying times as well, which isn't always easy.  He watches a lot of YouTube videos, and he's always sending me videos to watch.  Today was a motivational video.  It basically talked about not quitting, not giving up, not letting life beat you down.  

I wrote down a couple of quotes, and I wanted to share them, mostly so I could remember them for the future.

I don't have authors for all of them, but I tried to find them if I could.

* Every day is a new day, every moment a new moment.

* Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. ~ Marianne Williamson

* Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. ~ Rocky Balboa

* Look up, get up, and don't ever give up.  You tell everyone or anyone that has ever doubted, thought they did not measure up or wanted to quit, you tell them to look up, get up, and don't ever give up. ~ Michael Irvin

* Never say never, because limits, like fears, are often just an illusion. ~ Michael Jordan 

Clearly you can tell many of the quotes came from sports, and the majority of the video was talking about not quitting athletically, but I think these all touch so many aspects of our lives.  So there you have it.  Some food for thought! 

Doctor's Visit

This post contains a lot of likely TMI material.  If you aren't interested in what's going on with my body & PCOS - you might want to skip this post.  :-)  Don't say you weren't warned...

With all of the fun things going in my life re: PCOS, I made an appointment with my OB/GYN to have a couple of exams done that would show what's really going on with my ovaries, uterus, etc.  

My appointment was today at 11:30.  

Without going into too much detail regarding the actual tests themselves, the results weren't terrible.

Basically, they were looking for possible cysts, polyps, fibroids, a possible miscarriage, and maybe even cancer.  The good news is that the tests showed that all of those possibilities to explain the constant bleeding aren't the answer.  The bad news is that she did see a bunch of little follicles on my ovaries.  Now, under normal circumstances, you want follicles on your ovaries, but when you are on CD13, and none of them have grown to be big, strong follicles, there's an issue.

I found a great article on vcuhealth.org that kind of explains this a little better than I can...

Basically, here's what the article says:

Women with PCOS may {also} have enlarged ovaries which contain multiple small cysts, thus leading to the descriptive term “polycystic ovaries.”  These cystic formations are called follicles and under normal hormonal influence one follicle will grow, rupture and release an egg, while the other “non-dominant” follicles shrink.  This is the naturally occurring physiological process of ovulation that occurs monthly in women of reproductive age.  However, in women with PCOS, whose hormonal balance is altered, these follciles fail to grow and rarely ovulate.  This hormonal imbalance leads to multiple immature follicles in the ovaries giving this “polycystic” appearance.

So now, we try to figure out what to do, either holistically or medically, to get these babies to grow!

Endo

So I got great news today.  :o)  My medical records have been approved so to speak, and I finally have an appointment scheduled for an endocrinologist.  Woo hoo!  Hopefully we're on our way to recovery.  My appointment isn't until August 18th, but at least it's scheduled.

Many people have asked, why an endocrinologist?  So many people associate PCOS with just being infertile and having trouble trying to conceive a child, but it's so much more than that.

Over the next 90 days, I'm going to really focus on my eating, water consumption, exercise, as well as temperature charting & tracking my periods so that I have as much information as possible to present to her when we meet.

I'm excited!

The best...

I pretty much spent the entire weekend blissfully quiet, if that makes any sense.  But, for a girl like me, blissfully quiet isn't really my thing.  A knew that something was up, but I wasn't ready to talk about it, and he doesn't pry.  He realizes that the minute I'm ready to open up about what I'm feeling, I will.

So last night, we got home from my mom's house celebrating my birthday and Mother's Day, and A told me he had to run to the store.  I stayed at home, studying for my CPA exam, but he was gone for awhile.  I didn't think much of it, he leaves for the store sometimes at night, so it's not like it's completely out of the norm for us.  

When he returns, he brings with him a dozen pink long stem roses.  AND CUE THE TEARS! 

I came clean with him on what I was feeling, even that I was thinking of asking him to leave because I didn't feel like he deserved to be with someone who couldn't for sure give him a child someday.  

And let me just tell you this, I'm incredibly fortunate.  And so loved.  While I've always known that to an extent, I think this weekend just reaffirmed that for me.  God gave me the one person in this world that is strong enough to pick me up when I feel down, to be my rock when I feel weak, and to help shoulder this burden.  I'm forever blessed.

And on a side note:  

I did speak with my doctor today.  She said that she's not surprised that the progesterone would start another bleeding cycle.  Progesterone is the hormone in the body that starts your period.  I think just speaking to her gave me a bit of reassurance that my body is kind of doing what its supposed to do.  She was pleased that the progesterone stopped my bleeding for a bit, so that's positive news.

I also am waiting to hear back from the endocrinologist.  I found one that a.) takes my insurance, b.) is super close to work, and c.) has GREAT ratings on various websites online. I had to send her my medical records, and she's received those, but now she reviews them and talks to my OB/GYN before she agrees to take my case.  So I'm waiting to hear.

Soy. Bummed.

So, I'm currently on Day 3 of the Advocare 24 Day Challenge.  I thought I'd use this to jump start my weight loss plan.  Today, I decided to skip my normal breakfast of oatmeal, fruit & nuts, to include a meal replacement shake.  You know, for time sake.  Well, one of the things that people with PCOS should stay away from is soy. What's one of the ingredients in the Advocare Meal Replacement shakes?  SOY!

Totally.  Bummed.  

PCOS

PCOS isn't something I talk about, ever, on this blog.  But, as I'm experiencing life and learning more and more about this disorder, I feel like if I can share my story, and just ONE person learns more about PCOS, I've done what I can do.  :-)

Let me just give this as a disclaimer though.  The details (while I'll leave them to a minimum) are kind of graphic in parts, so if you don't care to know about the inner workings of the female body, you might skip this post.  Don't say you haven't been warned.  Hah.

In June 2009, I was having some cycle issues.  I would skip a cycle, or two, and then when it did finally come, it was incredibly heavy.  I ended up making an appointment with my OB/GYN to discuss what my options were to regulate things, and I went in expecting that it was all stress related.  What I found out at my appointment was NOT stress at all, although I can't say for sure that the stress didn't make things worse.

PCOS.  PCOS is short for polycystic ovarian syndrome.   I didn't know much, or anything, about PCOS before this diagnosis, and I'm still learning some 5 years later.  But PCOS is no joke.  The side effects and symptoms of PCOS are depressing in itself, but they are manageable.  

Some of the side effects include:

• Irregular menstrual cycles
• Weight gain
• Difficulty losing weight
• Excess hair growth on face & body
• Darkened patches of skin
• Skin tags
• Infertility
• Thinning hair
• Insulin resistance
• Type 2 diabetes
• High cholesterol and high triglycerides
• High blood pressure
• Cysts on the ovaries
• Pelvic pain
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Sleep apnea
• Decreased sex drive
• Increase in stress levels

Luckily, I'm not impacted by ALL of these symptoms, but I have bolded the ones that really have affected me, personally.  

I think the one that has had the biggest effect on me is the increased levels of stress & anxiety.  Things bother me that shouldn't, and I literally feel myself shutting down when things don't always go the way I plan.  I've had a physical therapist tell me to invest in a mental therapist to help overcome the anxiety and stress levels that she can see in my body.  

I personally have an incredibly HARD time losing weight.  I don't eat large portions, and I don't necessarily eat a lot, but the weight keeps coming.  For the rest of my life, I'm going to have to be on a low carb, high protein "diet" although it's going to be my life style.  It's the only thing I can do.  Doctors & nutritionists that specialize in PCOS recommend a paleo lifestyle to help combat some of the effects of PCOS.

And the HARDEST part of all is the infertility.  

I'm still learning.  In fact, I learn something new every day.  I'm still combating this disorder, and I will until the day I die.  But I'm bigger than this, I'm bigger than a label.