Forgiveness is such a hard thing to tackle, at least for me. I won't say that I'm the girl that holds grudges, because I normally do not, but when someone or a couple of someones make decisions that completely derail your life, it's hard not to have a bit of anger towards them.
On Sunday, at church, Pastor Morris preached about emotional healing. What a powerful message. If you are interested in listening to it, here's the link: Wounded Warriors.
Most days I'm okay. I'm not mad, I'm not sad, I'm not angry, I'm great in fact. M and I had the world's most hurtful, toxic relationship. It was bad. But I'm angry that for 10 years he did nothing but lie to me about various things, including his relationship with another woman while still married to me. I'm angry that it took me 10 years, walking away from the situation to realize just how toxic it was. I'm angry that on NYE he's asking me out on a date, all while planning a wedding with his new wife. I'm angry that God gave them a child, when he didn't even want one. And even mentioned to me in text halfway through her pregnancy that he wasn't sure how he felt about it. I'm angry that A and I are likely going to struggle with infertility and PCOS. It sucks.
However, I have the most AMAZING relationship that shows me on a daily basis what relationships are supposed to be like. Before A, I never knew what it was like to hear "I love you" daily. I never knew what it was like for someone to genuinely say "You're Beautiful!" And when I respond with "thank you," he says "no, thank you." I never knew what honest support was like. For someone to be my biggest cheerleader (behind my Mom, of course). I have someone who actually listens when I speak, and who goes out of their way to express how he feels. It's incredible. I'm not sure I would know and appreciate a love this great without the failures of my past relationship.
This has been a struggle. I won't say it's over. I'm still angry. My blood still boils anytime I have to see his name in my e-mail, receive a text or a phone call. (This is why I love iOS 7's new operating system... the "block" feature is AMAZING!) I'm working on it. I spend time in prayer asking for God to take the anger away, and to allow me to forgive him.
If God can forgive me of my trespasses, and M for his as well, then surely I can attempt to do the same. I hope and pray that he seeks a relationship with the Lord. I hope he raises his daughter to be a good person, to focus on family, to seek a relationship with God. I hope he treats this marriage as more than a game. I hope he keeps his eyes with in the confines of his marriage, and doesn't look elsewhere like he did with me.
"For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you." Matthew 6:14
This is what I'm focusing on.
