A promise...

Things have felt a little dark in my world lately.  The overwhelming stress of the CPA exam, the uncertainty of the future, a bit of financial struggles, the added weight gain (physically) and just feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders has really taken a toll on my mental state.  

I feel defeated.  

I don't know how to shake these feelings, because it seems like nothing changes, no matter what I do.  I can only handle so much, and I feel like I'm going to break.

So, this morning, I was thinking, as I so often do.  

The only person who can change my feelings/viewpoints/moods is me.  ME.  (As if I need something else to handle... hah.)

I think I'm going to schedule an appointment with a counselor.  I found one online that accepts my insurance, she's close to my house, and she has longer hours so I can go after work.  

I'm going to create a study schedule for the CPA exam.  I work better when I have a plan, and a schedule, and the schedule is something I can control & dictate.

I can't change the financial situation quickly, but I can keep plugging along, doing what I've been doing, and trying to make positive changes.  I'm going to start using Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace plan, and go from there.  Baby steps.

I'm going to do the Lean Body for Her Challenge.  While the actual challenge is over, I'm going to do the workouts and see what I can do in the next 12 weeks.

I have to take control.  I can't keep feeling like this.  I'm seriously about to lose my mind.

Some days...

Ever have one of those days when it feels like the world is out to get you?  Or maybe not out to get you, but out to conspire against you?  Where it seems like every time you turn around, you are getting more bad news, more obstacles to jump over?  

Nothing life altering, but kind of sick of the disappointment.  When there are things that *could* make your life much easier, but then they just continue to get pushed off, pushed back, etc., it makes you kind of irritated.

Alex & I are learning to communicate in the trying times as well, which isn't always easy.  He watches a lot of YouTube videos, and he's always sending me videos to watch.  Today was a motivational video.  It basically talked about not quitting, not giving up, not letting life beat you down.  

I wrote down a couple of quotes, and I wanted to share them, mostly so I could remember them for the future.

I don't have authors for all of them, but I tried to find them if I could.

* Every day is a new day, every moment a new moment.

* Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. ~ Marianne Williamson

* Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. ~ Rocky Balboa

* Look up, get up, and don't ever give up.  You tell everyone or anyone that has ever doubted, thought they did not measure up or wanted to quit, you tell them to look up, get up, and don't ever give up. ~ Michael Irvin

* Never say never, because limits, like fears, are often just an illusion. ~ Michael Jordan 

Clearly you can tell many of the quotes came from sports, and the majority of the video was talking about not quitting athletically, but I think these all touch so many aspects of our lives.  So there you have it.  Some food for thought! 

An Awesome Birthday

I am so blessed.  Blessed beyond belief to have so many people that love me and care about me.  Yesterday, May 11th, I celebrated my 28th birthday.  I can admit that I was kind of dreading it.  It's not because it puts me another year closer to 30, it's that simply I wanted to relax, veg on the couch, enjoy the rain, and do nothing. Yet - my husband INSISTED that we go to dinner!  I was kind of complaining about it to my friend, Carie.  Not that I didn't appreciate him wanting to take me out to celebrate, but that we HAD to do it in the pouring down rain with lightning and thunder.

He asked me yesterday during the day what I wanted for dinner, and since I had Mattito's (mexican food) for lunch - I picked Ziziki's, one of my favorite greek places.  Marcus bought me an upgraded DSLR Nikon D-5100 for my birthday, along with my Garmin running watch, so we went to Best Buy after I got home from work to check out the toys and accessories for my new camera.  He wanted to look at EVERYTHING from movies, to tvs, to computers, whatever.  I was getting impatient.  So we leave Best Buy - and head towards another restaurant, at this point, an undisclosed location.  We pull up to Fireside Pies in Plano.  They have the BEST pizza.  And we sit in the car for awhile.  I'm like what the heck are you doing!?  I'm hungry!  And then I said, "Are we waiting on Carie?"   He responded with "No.  Why would you think that?"  I KNEW WE WERE!  Hah.  So he finally admitted it.  :o)  I didn't realize Lindsey would be coming because I thought she had a work event.  She even told me she was sorry for having to work on my birthday.

So, around 6:45, Carie and Lindsey come walking around the corner of the building with a HUGE Happy Birthday balloon and 7 AMAZING cupcakes from Society Bakery.  I received a card and cash (woo hoo!) from Carie, with the stipulation that the money is ONLY to be spent on something FUN!  And a card and a Michael's gift card from Lindsey to buy more stuff at Michael's (because I totally needed an excuse!).  It was a nice, WONDERFUL, surprise even though I figured it out a bit too quickly.  And I feel very blessed to have such fabulous friends.  :o)

My "don't want to celebrate my birthday" attitude was certainly turned into a "heck yeah, it's my birthday!"

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is a day that is meant to recognize all of the amazing work that your mom, grandma, stepmom, etc. do in your life each and every day.  It's a wonderful holiday, really.  I love being able to spoil my mom and tell her how much I appreciate her on this day.  I should do it more often than just one day a year, and I try, but I know that this day is the day that I really focus on nothing but mom.  My mom and I have the most amazing relationship.  She is the greatest mom a girl could ask for.  She's sometimes blunt, but she tells me what I need to hear even if it's not the easiest thing to handle.  She was a single mom for much of her life, even when my dad was around, he wasn't super involved in our lives.  But even as a single mom, she was completely involved and interested in our lives.  I can remember one Christmas in particular that she talked about how it was just us, the three amigos, my mom, my brother, and I.  And even though she has since remarried, and the marriage brought in two additional children, I still feel like it'll always be the three amigos.  I'm lucky to have the mom I have, and I wouldn't trade her for the world!

But... Mother's Day is also hard for me too.  I try not to let it be, but there's no way around it, really.  I want kids, there's no denying that.  But maybe it's not in God's plan for me.  I'm trying very hard to accept that, and know that it'll happen if it's meant to be.  But I see so many people who were married (hell, couples who didn't even start dating until after Marcus and I were married) who have kids, who are working on their second child, etc.  And I'm bitter.  I am genuinely happy for those people who are able to have kids, to announce their pregnancies, and enjoy life with children.  But in the back of my mind, I wonder if that's EVER going to be us. And maybe it won't be, but if that's the case, I really wish I could know that now and start working on being okay with it.  But then I get to watch the comments on Facebook about how Mother's Day is only about the "mothers" out there, and I want so desperately to be a part of that club.

So yes, I know I suck for being depressed on Mother's Day.  But it's life.  It's how I feel, and the people that don't like it, can kiss my lovely behind.  I really am excited to spend this Mother's Day with my mom.  I made her a cake (even though it looks like a disaster) and we're going to her house to make homemade ice cream, coupled with hamburgers, chips, and hanging out.  It really should be a good day.