On Friday, my mom called and let me know that my grandma has gone into renal failure. What that means at this point, we don't know. We're waiting on blood work and the doctor's input this morning. My parents are in Kansas now. But I would imagine that I'll be making an impromptu trip to Kansas with A and my baby brother, M, sometime in the very near future. It'll be nice to be around family, but it'll be hard to bury one more grandparent. I pray for peace and understanding. Peace for my family, that all of us will find comfort in knowing that my grandma is with the Lord, her husband, and her parents. I pray for understanding as to why her life for the past 5 years has been so unfulfilled for her. She doesn't know who her kids or grand kids are when we visit. I pray for wisdom that all of us will know how to handle the drama and issues that are bound to follow her passing, and that we'll all know how to deal with the issues at hand. Yesterday, at church, we sang Amazing Grace. We've haven't sang Amazing Grace in the past 6 months, but yesterday, that was our closing worship song. Then J. John (our visiting speaker) prayed for health, for us, for our loved ones. I cried. Hard, ugly, emotionally releasing tears. I prayed for God to just take my grandma home. After church was over, A led me to the front. He's never done that, but he knew what I needed. A seems to always know what I need. It's the most surreal connection I've ever had with another person.
So here's a most random twist of events. I posted this blog this morning around 9 am. Here it is now, 4p. My parents are coming home. Apparently, the nurse who told my mom and my aunt that my grandma was in renal failure was wrong. VERY, VERY, VERY WRONG! Today was the first day that my parents were able to talk to the doctor. They got to Kansas on Saturday, so the doctor wasn't in again until today. The blood work that came back from the lab shows elevated levels meaning that her kidneys aren't working at optimal level, but she's physically no different this week than she was a month ago. Ahhhh!! I'm so frustrated for my parents and my aunt and uncle who dropped everything to make the trip to Kansas to be with my grandma. I'm glad they were able to be there, to see her again, and I'm thankful that they are all able to do that with their careers. But man.
So here's a most random twist of events. I posted this blog this morning around 9 am. Here it is now, 4p. My parents are coming home. Apparently, the nurse who told my mom and my aunt that my grandma was in renal failure was wrong. VERY, VERY, VERY WRONG! Today was the first day that my parents were able to talk to the doctor. They got to Kansas on Saturday, so the doctor wasn't in again until today. The blood work that came back from the lab shows elevated levels meaning that her kidneys aren't working at optimal level, but she's physically no different this week than she was a month ago. Ahhhh!! I'm so frustrated for my parents and my aunt and uncle who dropped everything to make the trip to Kansas to be with my grandma. I'm glad they were able to be there, to see her again, and I'm thankful that they are all able to do that with their careers. But man.
Father's Day was hard. On us both. I called my step-dad and wished him a Happy Father's Day. I called my dad too, but his phone went to voice mail. He hasn't called me back. I really hope everything is okay.
It kills me to watch A struggle with his own relationship with his son, and the pain he feels in missing his dad, his grandfather and his uncle who were both such amazing father figures in his life. I struggle with the idea that we may never be able to have kids, and I may never see the love in his eyes for our children. I don't know that for sure. My body is capable of amazing things. I'm trying to be patient.
I struggle that my ex-husband got to cheat on me, completely IGNORE his vows to me, married his new wife (the same woman he moved in while I was still living there) 30 days after our divorce was final, and his new wife is pregnant with a son already. As miserable as I was, and as unhappy as I was, I never once went outside our relationship for emotional or physical fulfillment. He did. I struggle with the idea that THEIR relationship started out as a lie, and yet - he will get the joys of being a father. He didn't even want kids. I struggle with his physical and emotional belittlement, and how I still feel like I can't do things because for 10 years I was told I couldn't. I struggle with anger towards him. Oh! And to know that the only reason I know about his child is because he thought that was the last thing he had to hurt me with. Ha! And, figuring out that he'd spent the last 10 years maintaining yet another LIE, led me to thank God for protecting ME. Let's not even take into consideration the number of times he asked me to work things out (while maintaining a relationship with his current wife... the power of social media is a powerful thing), even so far as to ask me on a date for New Year's Eve, three months before their wedding date. I have the text messages. A has read them as well.
But, I also know that he has to be the one to handle his demons. He has to be the one to answer for his actions to the Lord. I'm not the final judgement day, nor do I want to be. In some weird way - I know I have to figure out how to forgive him. In my heart, I know that God won't bless A and I with a child, once we're ready, until I find forgiveness in my heart. Forgiveness isn't easy. But I'm trying. Not for him, but for me.
I'm also incredibly thankful that God blessed me with A. He's the most patient, kind, loving, caring, God fearing man, I've ever encountered. He's gentle, compassionate, inspiring, simply amazing. I love his heart for the people he loves, and more so, for the complete strangers. I'm awed by his desire to want a real relationship with me, based on trust, honesty, and love. I'm just humbled, every single day.
Patience isn't my virtue. And I told you these thoughts were random.
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