Insecurity

One of the things that I hate the most about myself is my insecurity in new situations.  I don't know why I have this, but I struggle with it.  I've always hated the first day of class in a new semester, going somewhere I've never been before, etc.  I get serious anxiety over it... stomach aches, nausea, the whole works.  I can't explain it.  I'm normally a pretty outgoing person, but it's the fear of not finding someone to be "friends" with or someone to talk to, and looking like the odd ball that doesn't socialize.  I don't really know what it is - but I have it. 

I have internal conversations with myself to overcome it.  It's kind of ridiculous to be almost 30 years old and still struggle with it.  I always feel better in numbers.  I used to not be this way, but for whatever reason, lack of self confidence, self-esteem, etc. I've grown to be this way.

I'm only writing this post to share two things that I did this week that really were out of character for me. 

Since moving to Fort Worth, I've wanted to get back into the gym, working out regularly, etc.  I joined the YMCA in January with my brother's girlfriend, A.  I went once.  I had excuses.  The gym she works out at is quite a drive from my house, and I hated getting up on Saturday mornings at 6 to be in an 8 am class.  Needless to say - I didn't make it a priority.  But... there is a YMCA 4.2 miles from my house.  I wouldn't go.  I would pack my stuff, and drive right on by the gym, convincing myself of SOME reason why I didn't want to go.  I would drive home.  On Thursday, I packed my gym bag, I drove to the gym, I went into the gym, AND I went to Zumba.  All by myself.  The panic was still there, but I talked myself through it.  I had an internal conversation in my head.  I did it.  Yes, it's lame... but it was an achievement.  What's better - I went again on Saturday.  I actually enjoyed it!

Then today... I joined this book club online several months ago... like in December or something.  Every single month, I had "some" excuse why I couldn't make it to the meeting.  I've always bought the books, read them along with the group, but I refused to actually go to the meeting to discuss said book.  Today - I went.  I walked in to the restaurant, I introduced myself to a group of women (18 of them to be exact, I sat down, I had a wonderful discussion about a book, I laughed, I shared stores, and more than that - I HAD FUN!  :-)  I met women that I could actually imagine hanging out with on a regular basis.  I met an author who will release her debut novel in September.  I met a lawyer, a CPA, a historian, a librarian, a teacher, a realtor, a stay at home mom.  I'm probably by far the youngest one there, but who cares?!  I really enjoyed myself.  I will be back for next month's book club meeting. 

Maybe this is the start of a beautiful thing...

An update and a promise...

It's been a while since I posted.  I admit it.  It's tough to keep up with life, work, exercising, eating right, AND a blog.  I mean - nothing in my life is really all that exciting.  I get up each day, go to work, go to the gym, take a shower, eat dinner, watch a few minutes of television or read a book, then it's off to bed to do it all over again tomorrow.  Exciting stuff, huh?!

I've recently made a promise to myself and to my friend, Carie, to begin more journaling of the things I'm dealing with emotionally, mentally, so that I can not only put them on paper, but maybe just maybe, get myself to where I can overcome some of the insecurities I've been facing.    

I've also decided to do something a little unusual.  Lindsey, a dear friend of mine, gave me the coolest Christmas gift.  It's a jar, and each day you are supposed to pull out a slip of paper and answer the question on it.  I thought it might be fun to put my answers on this blog, and then maybe even make a book out of the responses.  I don't know, it's a thought. 

Anyways - once again, I'm going to try to be better about updating.  Wish me luck!

The start of a loooong journey...

Most people want to have children.  It's not a secret.  It's the only way the human race continues to exist.  We reproduce.  But what no one ever prepares you for is the chance that you might be one of the few that can't.  For several years, I've struggled with the knowledge that I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) for short, and as I continue to get older, I realize that my dreams of having children may never happen.  It sucks.  Hard.

I'm struggling to come to terms with it, but you know what, really all I want to do is stomp my feet and scream how unfair it is.  But that's not the hand God dealt me.  I think what makes it harder for me to swallow is that on paper (blood work, etc.) I'm perfectly healthy and should have no problem whatsoever conceiving a child.  In reality, that's not the case.

Part of my problem can be attributed to the weight gain, but then the weight gain could be attributed to the PCOS, so no one is really sure.  Of course, losing weight with PCOS is tough.  It's a constant cycle to eat right, exercise, don't do this, do that, and it becomes tiring after awhile.  I know that if I ever want a chance of having a child, I don't have a choice.  I have to focus on me and my health for awhile.  I'm even being told by my doctor that it's possible once I lose the weight that I can ovulate on my own.  If not, we try Clomid.

So here we go... someone be on my ass to make sure I'm eating right, going to the gym, walking/running/sprinting/whatever.  I have 364 days (my 30th birthday) to get down at least 40 lbs.  I really want this.  Probably more than I've ever wanted anything before in my entire life.  I want to be someone's mommy.

I've established my career, bought a house, have a husband, a dog, but even with all of those things, I still just feel like my little family isn't complete... and it may not ever be.  But I'm really trying, very hard, to put my trust and faith in God, and know that whatever His will may be, I have to be okay with it.

I'm really trying... but I'm still going to do everything in my power to help make the dream a reality.
  

One Little Word (2012 Edition)

Every single year, I set out to pick a word that will describe my year, give me motivation, drive to achieve something, and every single year, I fail. My word doesn't seem to encompass the true meaning of what I hope to accomplish with each new year. I admit, when I first starting thinking of a word for 2012, I was stumped. I thought about "achieve" or "accomplish" or something like that, but at the end of the day, I wanted something simple. You know, like me! (Read more about picking one little word here.)

It wasn't until I was catching up on blogs via blogger, and I started reading shannondombkowski.com. (She's a fellow military wife, who is an amazing blogger! You should definitely follow her blog.) She has the most perfect word. DO.

So thanks to Shannon, DO has also become my "one little word."

I even thought to google the word do... and the images that popped up were kind of funny in an inspiring way.

And so here we go. DO.

Pinterest Party!

We all LOVE parties, right?!  And we CLEARLY love pinterest or there would be millions of pins on there.  We The Grahams had a fabulous idea to host a pinterest party!  Um, score!

The idea is to create something you've pinned on pinterest.  The deadline - January 15th.  Who is in?!

Here are some of my ideas as to what I *may* make in this challenge.

A sunburst mirror a la Censational Girl.

Some new bows for my sweet niece.

Some candles for our outdoor patio.

Oh the possibilities are ENDLESS!  Please say you'll join me!

So...

How is everyone doing so far?  I realize we're only 2 days into 2012, but yeah, I just thought I'd ask.  :o)

Marcus and I have spent today shopping... we're looking for bedding, a dining room set, a breakfast nook table, media room furniture, etc.  I think we've FINALLY found bedding that we both like... but the duvet cover is $299!  I don't know if we'll plug the trigger on it or not.  I really love it, but I don't know if I love that price!

One of my goals for 2012 is to take 365 pictures.  I hate that I don't take more pictures each year, so I'm going to attempt that.  My thought(s) are to post the "weekly" collage of pictures on Saturday at some point.  Let's see if I can keep up it.

I hope you are all rocking your goals so far in 2012.

XOX,
C

Happy New Year

May your dreams be big.  May your worries be light.  May peace and love fill your life.  May 2012 be all that you want it to be.  Happy New Year!