Insecurity

One of the things that I hate the most about myself is my insecurity in new situations.  I don't know why I have this, but I struggle with it.  I've always hated the first day of class in a new semester, going somewhere I've never been before, etc.  I get serious anxiety over it... stomach aches, nausea, the whole works.  I can't explain it.  I'm normally a pretty outgoing person, but it's the fear of not finding someone to be "friends" with or someone to talk to, and looking like the odd ball that doesn't socialize.  I don't really know what it is - but I have it. 

I have internal conversations with myself to overcome it.  It's kind of ridiculous to be almost 30 years old and still struggle with it.  I always feel better in numbers.  I used to not be this way, but for whatever reason, lack of self confidence, self-esteem, etc. I've grown to be this way.

I'm only writing this post to share two things that I did this week that really were out of character for me. 

Since moving to Fort Worth, I've wanted to get back into the gym, working out regularly, etc.  I joined the YMCA in January with my brother's girlfriend, A.  I went once.  I had excuses.  The gym she works out at is quite a drive from my house, and I hated getting up on Saturday mornings at 6 to be in an 8 am class.  Needless to say - I didn't make it a priority.  But... there is a YMCA 4.2 miles from my house.  I wouldn't go.  I would pack my stuff, and drive right on by the gym, convincing myself of SOME reason why I didn't want to go.  I would drive home.  On Thursday, I packed my gym bag, I drove to the gym, I went into the gym, AND I went to Zumba.  All by myself.  The panic was still there, but I talked myself through it.  I had an internal conversation in my head.  I did it.  Yes, it's lame... but it was an achievement.  What's better - I went again on Saturday.  I actually enjoyed it!

Then today... I joined this book club online several months ago... like in December or something.  Every single month, I had "some" excuse why I couldn't make it to the meeting.  I've always bought the books, read them along with the group, but I refused to actually go to the meeting to discuss said book.  Today - I went.  I walked in to the restaurant, I introduced myself to a group of women (18 of them to be exact, I sat down, I had a wonderful discussion about a book, I laughed, I shared stores, and more than that - I HAD FUN!  :-)  I met women that I could actually imagine hanging out with on a regular basis.  I met an author who will release her debut novel in September.  I met a lawyer, a CPA, a historian, a librarian, a teacher, a realtor, a stay at home mom.  I'm probably by far the youngest one there, but who cares?!  I really enjoyed myself.  I will be back for next month's book club meeting. 

Maybe this is the start of a beautiful thing...