Most people want to have children. It's not a secret. It's the only way the human race continues to exist. We reproduce. But what no one ever prepares you for is the chance that you might be one of the few that can't. For several years, I've struggled with the knowledge that I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) for short, and as I continue to get older, I realize that my dreams of having children may never happen. It sucks. Hard.
I'm struggling to come to terms with it, but you know what, really all I want to do is stomp my feet and scream how unfair it is. But that's not the hand God dealt me. I think what makes it harder for me to swallow is that on paper (blood work, etc.) I'm perfectly healthy and should have no problem whatsoever conceiving a child. In reality, that's not the case.
Part of my problem can be attributed to the weight gain, but then the weight gain could be attributed to the PCOS, so no one is really sure. Of course, losing weight with PCOS is tough. It's a constant cycle to eat right, exercise, don't do this, do that, and it becomes tiring after awhile. I know that if I ever want a chance of having a child, I don't have a choice. I have to focus on me and my health for awhile. I'm even being told by my doctor that it's possible once I lose the weight that I can ovulate on my own. If not, we try Clomid.
So here we go... someone be on my ass to make sure I'm eating right, going to the gym, walking/running/sprinting/whatever. I have 364 days (my 30th birthday) to get down at least 40 lbs. I really want this. Probably more than I've ever wanted anything before in my entire life. I want to be someone's mommy.
I've established my career, bought a house, have a husband, a dog, but even with all of those things, I still just feel like my little family isn't complete... and it may not ever be. But I'm really trying, very hard, to put my trust and faith in God, and know that whatever His will may be, I have to be okay with it.
I'm really trying... but I'm still going to do everything in my power to help make the dream a reality.
While I don't completely understand your situation, I understand where you're coming from. It is hard, discouraging, and sometimes unfair to want something so bad it hurts. It's hard to understand why certain things happen (or don't happen) when the world, nature, and your heart say it should. However, we have to trust God and His timing. I'll be praying for you...that this journey might not be as long as you fear and that the Lord will answer your prayers and desires.
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