Some days are easier than others.

I think that's true for everything, really.  But it seems like overall, some days I'm okay with my disorder and I'm willing to work to overcome it, and some days, I just want to crawl in a hole, and hide.  Today is one of those hole days.  Hah.  :-)

Here's a little... okay, a lot TMI, but it is necessary to attempt to explain what and how I feel.

I am average approximately 90 days between periods.  Normal women have a cycle every 28 - 31 days.  In order to even get a period, I'm taking progesterone tablets to put the hormones in my body to force a bleed.  While on the progesterone, I feel great.  Full of energy, happy, etc.  But the minute the progesterone is over and my period starts, it's the complete opposite.  Add into the mix that I'm bleeding like someone stabbed me, and it becomes quite uncomfortable.  I feel like I spend more time in the bathroom than I do at my desk or being productive at home.  AND - cramps from hell.  Oh my gosh, horrible pain!  It ends up with me sleeping with a heating pad as well as snuggling with one while trying to work.  

Today, I woke up already feeling kind of down.  It's a hard feeling when it seems like everyone around you has children, gets pregnant without even trying, etc. I've (NO LIE!) seen 6 pregnancy announcements in the last 7 days.  That's a lot.  And then A finally got to talk to his son last night, which always brings it's own set of emotions, but I know how much A loves being a dad and wants so desperately to be in his son's life.  And the conversation always goes something like this... "All I've ever wanted in this life is to be a dad."  And my mind goes something like this... "Let him go, while you still can.  He has a son.  You may not be able to give him a child.  Let him go be with his son."  And the cycle continues.  Every single time.  It's hard.  

But then somewhere I have to realize that I *just* went to the endocrinologist on Monday, and things aren't going to happen overnight.  My PCOS isn't going to just magically disappear, no matter how much I hope & pray it does.  So I bury myself in work, in possible job promotions, in studying for my CPA exam, in taking on everything I can possibly take on, in trying to do everything I can for everyone. Except for myself.  

Welcome to my life.